I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
