DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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