My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
