My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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