nut hugger
I just made out with a guy for $7.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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