dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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