i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
