He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
