did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
