I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
