I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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