Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
