You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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