He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
