When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
