I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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