so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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