I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
