roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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