If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
