I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I will pee on everything he values.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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