You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
