well I can't set my house on fire every night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
