Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
