It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
