I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize