i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my sisters under your porch take her home
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
