Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
