I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
