Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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