it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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