just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
