Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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