Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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