you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
