Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I would fuck him just for his dog
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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