I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
