Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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