How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
