that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
