I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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