I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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