at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this will be a night to untag.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
