I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We named our party play list daddy issues
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
