one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
