I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dear god my vagina.
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