I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
