I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
