you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
