i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
