don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
