I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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