don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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