My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
