She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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