On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
