Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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