Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
