Will you blow on my dice?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hippo gnu deer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
