I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
