you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
