remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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