You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
