do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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