dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
