1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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