One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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