The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
