Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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