I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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