i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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